My therapist and I are changing the approach to my OCD a bit. For a few months now, I have not been feeling great, and it is very difficult for me to work on my intrusive thoughts and my compulsions.
We have however figured out that a part of me is resisting the treatment, this part of me is not willing to acknowledge that my OCD is a problem, and it is trying to convince me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am just being a self-centred, attention-seeking and selfish human being, and that I just need to stop complaining.
The other part of me knows that this is not true, and I now know that it is the OCD telling me these things. But on my bad days, I do not which thoughts I need to believe, because both sides seem so convincing.
One thing I have realised is that right now it helps me if I separate my thoughts (and to a certain extend, myself) into two categories; OCD and not OCD. I know both of these parts are me, but I need to start realising which thoughts are irrational.
My therapist and I came up with an idea, that I needed to write a letter to my OCD. I needed to sit down and just write everything I needed my OCD to know. So that is what I did. I chose to post the letter here on my blog (you can read it here) because somehow that made it feel more real for myself. I was terrified about writing a letter to my OCD because I did not know what I should write, but I knew that I needed to be as honest as possible in that letter, and it needed to be more than just me telling it that I want it gone and how much I hate it. The next part of my assignment is to try and see if it is going to be possible for my OCD to write a letter to me.
Another thing I have realised is that my OCD is trying to protect me, I know this might sound weird, but my OCD started out being a way for me to protect myself and avoid getting hurt. In the beginning, back when I was a preteen, it did do just that, but it slowly became more and more controlling.
Because I realised that my OCD was/is just trying to protect myself, it made sense for both me and my therapist why it/I was resisting treatment. I see my OCD as a protector, a protector who has put me in a house and slowly transformed the house into a tower, and day by day the tower is slowly growing and I am getting further and further away from earth and reality. Up until now, what I have been trying to do is to break down the tower, climb out of the window, wait for someone else to rescue me, but I am now realising that is not the best approach for me to take.
I cannot just throw my hair out of the window like I am some type of Rapunzel and wait for some prince to climb up and save me, I need to do this myself. And just breaking down the tower or climbing out of the window, is not the right solution for me.
I need to take the long winding stairs down, one step at the time.