How are you? I do not know how to start this letter, or what I am even going to say, but I feel like I need to write this letter.
Thank you for protecting me for all these years. I know all you wanted to do, was make sure that I do not get hurt, and you have protected me very well through the years. In the beginning, you protected me from a lot of heartaches, and I truly appreciate that! But slowly it went from you protecting me, to you controlling me. I know we have been through a lot of very difficult things through the years, and I know that every time something bad happened, you thought I needed more protection and maybe I did. But through these last 5 years, it has started to become too much. For the longest time I thought it was normal, but last summer I realized what/who you are.
You finally got a name, and your name is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
These last few years, ever since I moved back from New Zealand, has been very difficult for me, but I now realise that it was also very difficult for you. It seems like you felt an even bigger need to protect me from getting hurt. I want to let you know that I am now aware of the fact that you are here, and that you are just trying to help. You are not alone in wanting to help me anymore, I have a great support system around me, and they do not want me to hurt either. As you probably know, I have started seeing a new therapist, who am I kidding, of course you know this because you have been fighting me ever since I started this therapy.
Maybe I have not tackled this the right way, and maybe I should have told you this earlier, but in order for me to feel better, I need to be less controlled by you. I want to start living my life and do some of the things I like, but in order for that to happen, I need you to start letting go.
I am not telling you that you have to disappear! I know that you will always be a part of me, and I want you to always be a part of me, but I want to take back some of the control. I know the approach I have had these last 6 months have not been the best, I have tried to ignore you and shove you out of my life and I am truly sorry for that. I still want you to be here and protect me, some of the time, but I also want to live my life, make mistakes, get knocked down to the ground just so I can get back up and as crazy as it might sound, I want to get hurt, I want to go through heartbreaks, but most importantly I do not want to feel numb anymore.
There are so many things I want to do, and I have so many ideas that I feel like I need to put out into the universe, but right now you are stopping me for doing that.
I really hope that you will come on this journey with me, but this time I am in the driver’s seat, and you will be a passenger because I will be stuck if we do not switch places.
yours sincerely, xoxo