Am I going crazy? I feel like I am going crazy. I just went to my doctor, he wanted to see me because we increased my medication, and right now I feel like I am going crazy.
The sentence above was something I wrote earlier today, right after I left my doctor’s office. Normally I do not mind going to see my doctor, but today was not a good doctors visit. My doctor just wanted to check up on how I was doing, but it was extremely uncomfortable. Even though it was uncomfortable, I did learn one thing from this doctor’s visit, which is: you should not tell me, especially when you are not my therapist or someone who knows me, what I should think and feel about certain things, especially my mental health and OCD.
I know my doctor had good intentions with the things he told me, but it did more harm than good. I have learned that i do not respond well to being told that I look like I am doing so much better when I tell you that it feels like it is getting worse. And please, do not tell me that I should turn it around to something positive and grow from the situation. Just, do not tell me what I have to think, feel or do when you do not know me. It is just frustrating, because I know I have made some progress and then my OCD have gotten worse again, and that is okay. One thing I have realised since I got diagnosed is, that the healing from OCD is not linear, and it is important for me to acknowledge and embrace both the good times and the bad.
You might think that I look like I am doing better on the outside, but you cannot see what is going on inside of me. What should I have done differently? Would it have been better if I had looked like a mess? If I was not wearing makeup and I had not done my hair? Should I have worn my sweatpants and a sweatshirt for me to look less put together? Yes, I look good today, I put on makeup for the times in a few weeks, but I am not doing that because I feel better, I am doing that to make myself feel a bit better about myself today.
All there is left right now is a feeling of being crazy. Am I going crazy? Here is the thing, if I am doing so much better, then why can I barely go anywhere? Why can I not eat anything? Why am I scratching my hand more than I have ever done? I know I have made some progress, but right now, I do not need you telling me that I look like I am doing better, therefore I must be doing better, and things are not as bad as they seem in my head.
It is just frustrating because now I am questioning myself. Maybe I am doing better? Maybe there is nothing wrong with me? Maybe it is all in my head? I feel like I am crazy, I know that I am not going crazy and I know that my OCD is a real thing.
I just do not understand why my doctor would start telling me that I look like I am doing better, therefore I must be doing better. And telling me that he does not agree with me when I say that I feel like it is getting worse. My doctor knows that I have started therapy and that my therapist has a lot of experience treating people with OCD. Why did he have to tell me what I should and should not do regarding specific intrusive thoughts and routines I have. I know he was just trying to help, but it was just not what I needed, but why did he begin to tell me what I needed to do?
Maybe this is just me thing and not something others with OCD or other mental health issues struggles with. But here are a few things I do know; I do not appreciate others telling me what I should feel and think and that my feelings do not count. The worst part was at the end of the appointment, my doctor told me that he was sorry that we could not agree on how I was feeling.
There is nothing to agree on! You ask me how I am doing/feeling, and I answer that question. You don’t get to disagree with what I feel.
I wrote this a few days ago, and I have since seen my therapist, and we have agreed that I will not talk with my doctor about how my OCD should be treated, at least for now I am not going to talk with him about itk, because it is not helping me.
Until next time!