Today has been a terrible day, to be more specific the last few weeks have been terrible. But today it was a different type of bad day. I have just had this bad feeling all day.
The thing is, I am afraid that I made a mistake. So, as you know, I started university at the beginning of September, even though I had just been diagnosed with severe OCD. But I am afraid that it started university too soon. I am just so god damn exhausted and overwhelmed.
What I wrote above, was something I wrote the other day. I had just gotten home from a class at university and I was struggling to cope with everything. I really like going to my classes and I have made some really good friends, but I am scared and confused. I am scared that I will fail and that I will not be able to pass any of the classes I am taking this semester. But I am also afraid of disappointing my study group. I have told them that I have OCD, but I am just so scared of living up to the expectations they have. Because there are some days where I physically cannot leave my apartment, and what if that happens on a day where we have classes on campus? Or worse what if it happens on a day where we are supposed to meet to and make our group assignments? I am just so afraid that I am not good enough for these classes, because it is super difficult, and I am not used to that.
One of the things I find super difficult and confusing is whether or not my thoughts are rational or irrational. I do not know if it is my OCD ‘speaking’, and it gets very confusing. For example, I am always thinking that I am letting my study group down and that I am not contributing enough to the assignments we have to hand in. I have no idea if there is any truth to these thoughts, a part of me knows that I am doing everything I am supposed to do. But I am still convinced that I am doing all of the things I need to do and to be honest, but I do not trust that my study group will tell me if I am doing something wrong. I just do not know if I can trust my thoughts, and I am very aware of that.
At the moment it feels like my OCD is getting worse, which I am sure is not helping my thoughts about not being good enough. For a few months I was actually doing okay, I mean it was not great, but I was functioning, and I was able to do the day-to-day tasks. Right now, I am not doing well, and I am struggling to function. Which is why I am questioning whether or not it was a mistake to start university this year. But I do not know if it is my OCD ‘speaking’ or if it was too soon for me to start.
Right now, I am done with all the classes I have to take this semester, and I more or less have a study break/Christmas break until January, which I am looking forward too! I think it is going to be good for me to just be able to take a break without feeling like there are 100 things I need to do. And maybe just spent some time reflecting on my decision to start university.
Until next time!