Here and Now

Hi everyone,

Now that I have written about getting clinically diagnosed back in August, I am going to tell you about all of the other things that have happened these last 6 months. Let us start back in June 2019, if you have not read any of my post from back then, then I graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree in business. After I graduated, I could not find a job within the field, and when Denmark closed down, I did a lot of reflecting about my future and what I want to do. I realised that I was not passionate about any of the jobs I was applying to, which might have been the reason why I did not get any of the jobs I interviewed for.

These are some of the books which have helped me get through this last year

One of the things which have helped me get through these past few years are books, which made me think “why is that I cant work with books? Why is it that I am trying to get a job within an industry I don’t want to be a part of?”. When I started asking myself these questions, I started realising that I need to change the direction I was going with my “career”. I love books, I love getting lost in a fictional universe, I love escaping my own life, even if it is just for a few hours. I decided that I was going to work with books, I am not 100% sure how, but I have made some big changes in my life.

Back in June, I decided to apply for university, I applied to start a different bachelors degree, within a completely different field than what I previously have studied. I realised that I want to become a librarian, so I applied for a degree that would allow me to become a librarian, I can also do other things with this degree, but right now I would love to become a librarian. I did not tell anyone that I had applied to start this degree, I wanted to keep a secret from everyone because I was scared of other peoples opinions. I wanted to keep this dream safe, and if I did not get into the university, then I would not have to explain that I was not accepted.

But at the end of July I found out that I was offered a spot, and if I accepted, I would start university at the beginning of September. It was also around this time I got diagnosed with severe OCD, so I was not sure it would be a good idea to start. In the end, I decided that I had to try, I had to do something different because what I was doing was not good for me. All of the self-hatred and feeling like a failure because I did not follow the career path I had thought I needed to follow to become successful, it was doing anything good for me.

On the first of September, I started university, and it was (and still is) one of the most difficult things I have done. Arriving on campus that first day was awful. I had to call my mom, and she had to talk me into leaving the car and going inside. But even though it was difficult, I did it. I walked in there, and I think that it might be one of the best decisions I have ever made. For the first time, I felt like I could be myself, I did not have to pretend to be someone else all the time. The other people did not think it was weird that I love poetry books and cheesy romantic novels, because we have one thing in common: er all love books! And we are all a bit different from what society considers to be “normal”.

Shortly after I started university, I decided that I wanted to move to the town the university is located. I was able to get an apartment from the 15th of September, so in the midst of starting therapy and starting university, I was moving. I am happy with my apartment, and I am happy that I do not have to drive whenever I have classes on campus, but it was very difficult. I might talk about the difficulties I had when I moved in another different post.

I am so happy that I decided to apply for university, and that I accepted the offer of starting university, and that I actually went to the classes that first day. My OCD is still very severe, but I have some other things which are going pretty good and I have met some amazing people and made some awesome friends, and I feel like I can be myself now.

One thing my therapist and I have been working on is accepting the “here and now”, and that it is okay that everything is not perfect and that I am not feeling amazing every day. And most importantly, I need to enjoy the good things that are happening here and now.  

Until next time!

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