As I mentioned in the last post (which you can read by clicking here), then I had an acute appointment at the psychiatric hospital on Tuesday the 4th of august. When Tuesday morning came around, I really did not want to go, everything inside of me was telling me to stay at home, where I was safe. But I also knew that I had to go, no I needed to go because I needed more help than I was getting at the time. I was so torn that morning, because I had spent the entire night figuring out how I could skip the appointment, and I was figuring out what I was going to say if I decided to go the hospital.
On Tuesday morning I finally told myself that I needed to go, not for anyone else, but for me. I knew it was not going to be easy and it was definitely not going to be fun, but I had to do it. I knew that I had to be completely open and honest about everything that was happening in my life and mind. There was no point in pretending to be okay, the only person that would hurt was me, but I was not sure if I would be able to go through with it. You see I have been bottling all of these thoughts in for a long time and I had done a really good job hiding my routines and thoughts since I was a teenager. Therefore my family and I decided it would be best if my mom went with me to the appointment.
I am actually very proud of myself, because I went through with the appointment and I told the psychiatrist everything, and I even told her things I had never said aloud before. For the first time in a long time, I was completely honest, and I did care what anyone might think of the things I said.
Some of my biggest worries before going into the appointment was; What would the outcome be? Would they have to admit me to the hospital? Would they find out it was another diagnosis I had? But worst of all, would they say that there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head? The appointment went well, and they believed me, and they could clearly see that I needed more help. Towards the end of the appointment, before we talked about what would happen next, I finally got a clinically diagnosed.
So, my clinical diagnosis is ‘severe OCD’. It felt really good to finally have an official diagnosis, but I was also very disappointed about the outcome of the appointment and here is why: it felt amazing to be told that they could see that I needed more help and they were going to help me, but the ‘help’ they gave me was that I would continue taking the medicine and find a therapist. The plan they presented to me was exactly the same as the plan my doctor and I had agreed on. The plan itself is good, but the only problem is that it is super difficult finding a therapist in Denmark that provides the type of therapy I need, who also specializes in OCD and was able to take on another patient.
I had really hoped that the people in the hospital would offer me to get help within the hospital. But they didn’t. I felt so hopeless at that point, and to be honest, I was tired of having to fight all the time. At this point, everything was a struggle and I was just waiting for time to pass by. It felt like it was impossible to find and get the help I needed. The doctors just kept telling me that I needed to find a therapist and that would help.
I felt helpless.
I wanted to give up.
My mind ended up going to a very dark place, where I was beginning not to care about anything anymore. I am so glad I did not end up doing something that I could not undo. Because a few weeks after getting diagnosed I finally managed to find a therapist who was able to give me an appointment at the beginning of September. I feel really good about this therapist, and I like the way we are working with my OCD. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but we are taking it one step at the time. The first step we have been working on is beginning to fully accept my diagnosis, that it is a part of me, it is something I have to live with, it is something I will always have to be aware of and for a while, it is going to suck.
But we will take it one step at the time, and it will get better.
I hope you want to come on this journey with me.
Until next time!