The Point of No Return

Hi everyone,

In the last post, I talked about the time leading up to the 10th of July, and in this post, I want to mainly tell you about what happened on the 10th of July.

You can read my last post by clicking here.

As I mentioned in the last post, then I contacted my doctor on the 9th of July and he thought it was important that I came to see him the day after so he gave me an appointment on Friday the 10th.

To be honest with you, I did not want to go to the doctor that Friday. Everything inside of me was telling me I should stay home. The night before and the morning of I was regretting contacting my doctor, do not get me wrong, I like my doctor and feel safe and comfortable whenever I go see him. But I usually do not show him or tell him how I am really feeling. You see I am so used to having on this mask where everything is perfect, that I sometimes have difficulties taking the mask off. Normally I would just tell him that I was not doing well and that my anxiety was getting worse, but I would share have bad it was getting. I would share the dark and scary things going on inside of my mind.

It was almost impossible for me to go to the doctor that day. I felt sick the entire morning and I just did not want to leave my room. I wanted to stay far away from the uncertainty that I knew was ahead. My doctor already knew that I was doing worse than I was letting on, so I could not tell him that it was my anxiety and that it would be fine. At this point I was just tired; I was tired of having to fight to get through every day. I was tired of not being able to do the things I wanted to do, and I was terrified of what would happen next.

Going into the doctor’s office was like standing at the ‘point-of-no-return’, and I had this feeling that things chance after opening up about what was actually going on. When I picture this day in my mind, then it feels like I am back in New Zealand and I am about to do another Bungy jump, but this time I did not have the strong elastic band holding me, I had a piece of rope tied to my feet. I felt trapped because I could not get away from the situation, the only thing I could do was to jump.

I knew that I had to talk to my doctor because I could feel that I was getting worse each day and I did not know how to stop it. I had to tell him exactly what was going on with me, no matter how embarrassed I was. And believe me, I was embarrassed about it. I was afraid that my doctor and other people would think that I was insane, a liar, untrustworthy, but most of all I was afraid that my doctor would not believe me.

In the end, I ended up telling my doctor what was going on, I did not tell him everything, but I told him a lot of the things that was going on in my mind. And he believed me. My doctor told me that it seemed like it was OCD I was struggling with, so we made a plan based on that. I started taking medication that day, which would help me calm my mind and some other medication which would help with the OCD after a few months.

In my mind, I see a lot of situations like they are small clips. The clip that was going in my head was of me back in Queenstown, New Zealand, and I am about to the Kawarau Bridge Bungy jump again, but this time my entire body would go under the water in the river under the bridge. And I would be underwater for what seems like forever, it was starting to get very difficult to breathe. Deep down I knew something was wrong with the elastic, so getting my head above water would be difficult. But I did come up above the water again, but I would go straight down underneath again. That is what I felt like happened for the next month or so. I could never catch my breath, and whenever I did, I would get thrown right under the water again.

Taking the jump on the 10th of July was terrifying, I survived it but at the time everything just started going downhill, super-fast and I was getting worse day by day. At the same time, I was just so angry with myself, I kept thinking “why did I have to watch that documentary? Why did I tell my mom? And did I tell my doctor?”. But you know what? Right now, I am actually super proud of myself.

To be continued….

Until next time!

One thought on “The Point of No Return

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