I want to tell you about what has happened in my life since March. I have been struggling with how I am going write this, how much do I want to write, and how much do I want to share. Am I even ready to share this? I know from experience that writing everything down, will help me process everything and I hope it will help me accept the situation. So, I am just going to start writing and see where I end up.
But let us start back March 2020. As corona reached Denmark back in March and the government shut down the country, I was doing well. To be honest with you, I feel guilty for thinking this, but I was relieved. There were no longer any expectations to me. I did not have to explain to people why I did not want to be around other people. No one questioned me for staying at home, and whenever I did leave my house, other people would keep their distance from me. Back then I was convinced that I was doing great, I did not feel anxious all the time. I was a bit lonely, but that was okay.
Then Denmark slowly started opening again, and that was when reality hit me. I was not doing great, because I could not live in my little safe bubble anymore. I felt my anxiety getting worse, and I was starting to struggle to get through the day. I started struggling with everyday tasks, and it became a struggle to leave the house.
I went to the doctor, because I knew that I needed some help to get through this, because I did not want to go back into that deep black hole of depression and anxiety. My doctor and I agreed that I needed to begin therapy again, which I knew was the only thing that would help me. I did manage to find a new therapist, and I had a few sessions with him, but it just was not the right fit for me.
At this point, I could feel my mental health getting worse, and it was getting worse quickly. On the 9th of July I knew something was very wrong because I was stuck, I was physically stuck. I could not move from this one chair in the middle of the kitchen for 2,5 hours. I was convinced that something bad would happen if I did not do everything correctly. I have experienced this before, but I thought it was normal, I thought everyone was convinced that they would die if they did not do everything the right way. But in the beginning of July, I had randomly stumbled upon Lele Pons YouTube series about her mental health. I thought it was very interesting, so I watched all the episodes. At one point I began thinking “wait, is that not normal? don’t everyone avoids a lot of things because they are convinced, they are going to die?”. At the time I did not believe I had OCD, I still thought it was anxiety and depression.
On the 9th of July I completely broke down in the afternoon. I felt stuck. I felt trapped in my own head. I felt terrible. I had all the symptoms that I normally have when I am feeling anxious, it was just much worse. It felt like I had this hole in my stomach, and I was convinced that if I went out and drove in my car I was going to crash and die or hit and kill someone. So, I stayed inside my room, I was exhausted, and I was constantly on high alert. At the time was barely sleeping, because I was convinced that there was going to be a robbery or a fire if I went to bed.
My parents knew that my mental health was declining, they did not know everything that was going on, but they could sense that I was getting worse each day. But on the 9th of July, I told my mom about the intrusive thoughts I kept having. My mom helped me write a message to my doctor because I needed help right away. I was able to get an appointment the next day, and I started medication for OCD on the 10th of July.
That is going to be it for today, there is so much more to tell, but it is draining to think about. I will post more next week.
Until next time!