Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
I was debating whether or not I was going to write a post around Christmas because Christmas is supposed to be a time filled with happiness, joyfulness and love. But for me, Christmas is also filled with anxiety.
I love Christmas time so much, I love all the Christmas movies, the love and patience between strangers, I love the excitement both children and adults have during this time. But this year I realised that I love the idea of Christmas, because Christmas gives me a lot of anxiety, and this year was definitely no different.
As I have mentioned in my last posts, then my mental health is doing a lot better, and I feel like I am no longer depressed. But my anxiety is still something I have to deal with, I still don’t have a strong reaction to some of my old anxiety triggers. Around Christmas time I realised that I have so many more triggers to work on and I started getting nervous around the 14th/15th of December, and it progressively got worse.
The other day I wrote something, and I imagine this is what my anxiety would tell me if it could talk. Maybe I am giving the anxiety too much power by imagining stuff like this, but this is what my anxiety would tell me:
“Hey girl, remember me? Did you really think you could get rid of me that easy? Well, I got news for you, I am not that easy to get rid of! And since you tried getting rid of me, then I am going to come back into your life and make everything worse, and make you feel like shit on the days you have been looking forward to!
– Love Anxiety
My anxiety showed up in a different way this time, as an addition to having difficulty breathing, a quickened pulse, sweating and a feeling of my heart beating too fast, I also got a sore throat, a fever and other flu symptoms. How do I then know that I didn’t have the flu? Well, that is easy, as soon as I had been in the safety of my own home/room for an hour or two, then most of the symptoms were gone. So that was super fun.
I really tried to enjoy the holidays and enjoy as much of the family time as possible and all things considered, then I had an amazing Christmas, and going to church on Christmas eve this year was very special to me, and I felt better about being there and for some reason, my anxiety disappeared for that one hour and I was able to fully feel the joy and love.
And I was lucky enough to get some pretty cool presents. My parents bought me a book named “Empty Bottles Full of Stories” by Robert M. Drake and r.h. Sin and this poetry book is one of my favourite things I have read in 2019. This book really moved me in a way I have not felt since last summer when I read “The Strength in Our Scars” by Bianca Sparacino and “Salt Water” by Brianna Wiest.
One of my favourite poems in “Empty Bottles Full of Stories” is one named “I think, I don’t think” by Robert M. Drake, when I read this poem it felt like it was written based on my own thoughts, and that is really scary because I didn’t realise that this is how I often feel and think. I want to share one small part of the poem:
I thinkRobert. M Drake
but you pretend
nothing bothers you.
When I read this part I started to cry, and I really needed to cry and allow myself to feel the emotions I had been bottling up throughout Christmas. To any other poetry lovers; then I can strongly recommend all the poetry books mentioned in this post! I know I want to read more books by these authors.
Until next time!