A few weeks ago I wrote a post called “What Helped Me Get thought My Depression” (You can read it here: https://20somethingish.blog/2019/11/17/what-helped-me-get-through-my-depression/ ), where I talked about what helped me get through my depression and these last couple of months. The second thing I mentioned in that post was re-establishing my relationship with God and allowing myself to believe again. In this post I would like to tell you about my journey back to God. I want to apologise in advance, because I haven’t talked or written about religion before, it is therefore very difficult for me to know the right way to tell the story of my journey back to god, so I am just going to write what my heart tells me to write.
Before telling you about my journey back to God, I think it is important to tell you why I “stopped” believing. I don’t know when I “stopped” believing in God, but I can tell you why. I “stopped” believing in God because I was so angry. During the past 10 years, all that would go through my mind was “Why did I have to go though all the things I went through?” and “Why couldn’t he have sparred me some of the pain and hurt?”. At some point I even stopped thinking God existed, because it felt like he didn’t hear my prayers when I asked for help or asked for someone to notice how bad I was feeling.
My journey back to believing in God started around July 2019. I felt like something was missing in my life and realised I missed believing in God and the safety and comfort it used to give me. I was also just tired of being so angry at him. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that the anger didn’t come from not believing, but I was so angry because I was hurt.
I then spend the next couple of months thinking both about religion and whether or not I should try to go to church, but my gut told me I was not ready yet. And I wasn’t ready until the November. My mom had asked me if I wanted to go to church with her on the 3rd of November, in the Danish church the 3rd of November is All Saints Day (or maybe you know it as all hallows day, I don’t know). All Saints Day is about remembering the people we have lost during the past year, and we got to light a candle for the people we are missing. The service was very beautiful, the priest talked about God’s love for everyone, no matter who you are, what your status is and how much money you make. And she reminded us that no matter what crisis you are in or how alone you feel, then God will always be there for you and he will always love you, even when you don’t love yourself.
It is weird, because I was so anxious about going to church that day, and I almost stayed home. But I am so happy I decided to go. I find it amazing that the day I chose to go to church, the message of the service was exactly what I needed to hear. If I had heard this church service 2 months ago, I don’t think it would have affected me the same way because I was not ready to hear that message back then but on the 3rd of November I was ready to hear the message and I felt less alone and less lonely for the first time in a long time. I know that right now I don’t have that many people, beside my family, whom I trust and whom I want to spend time with. But that is okay, because I know that I am not alone, and I am okay with not having more people in my life, because I did what I needed to do to get through this past year.
For the first time, I feel ready to let people in and that is an amazing feeling.
I have been thinking about going to church for the last 3-4 months, I have just been very scared/nervous/anxious about the whole situation. but after going to the church service I went to, I am happy that I waited until now because I was ready to hear the message. And I know I don’t have to feel guilty for losing my faith in God and I know I should not be embarrassed about starting to go back to church and starting to believe again.
I didn’t go to church again during November, but I did go on the 1st of December and I am planning on going more often. It is difficult to explain, but believing in something greater than me, or than anyone and going to church to hear the messages from the bible, gives me sense of comfort and it makes me feel safe, and as a person who seeks safety and comfort, believing in God gives me that.
As I have grown older, I have started to realise that there was a “plan” with everything I went through and my way of thinking started to change. God knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew I could handle the things I went through and he knew that I would not only survive but I would become the best version of myself because of what I went through. And I now know that God believed in me, even when I stopped believing in him and myself.
Until next time!