It gets worse before it gets better, right? Well, I definitely hope so because these last 3-4 weeks have been terrible if I am being honest. Lately, I have been feeling very anxious all the time and all I want to do is stay at home in my bed. In the beginning I was a bit confused why I was having so much anxiety, but then I had a therapy session, and it was both a good therapy session and a bad one. It was good because I began to realise a big problem with anxiety (I didn’t know it was anxiety I was feeling all the time) but it was bad because now I am aware of it, and it hurts.
As I mentioned, then I haven’t been doing great this past month, and I was/am afraid that I am becoming depressed again. During my therapy session, my therapist asked me about some specific episodes where I felt very anxious and scared, and the first situation I told her about was: Going to the grocery store but physically not being able to leave the car because I am afraid of something happening. After I mentioned this we started talking about why I was scared about going into the grocery store and what I thought would happen. The conversation somehow changed into all of the things I am scared of and that makes me anxious. And there is a lot of things which makes me anxious throughout the day.
I realised that it is not healthy to be scared and anxious all day, every day.
But here is the thing, I have more or less been feeling anxious every day for many years, and I really thought what I was thinking and how I was feeling was exactly how everyone else is thinking. I am/was convinced that everyone was scared and anxious about everything every day, and even if they don’t show it they still think “that tree is going to fall down on me and kill me”. I think the only reason I have been able to function with so much anxiety for so many years is because I thought it was “normal” and every human being was feeling and thinking the same way.
I guess other people have these scared and anxious thoughts of getting hit by a car or a lightning hitting you to a certain extent, but when they take over your everyday life and stops you for living your life, then it becomes a problem. And it has become a problem for me, because it is stopping me for not only doing the things I want but it is also stopping me from doing everyday stuff, like going to the grocery store.
Right now it has gotten to a point where I feel anxious more less the entire day and the smallest things trigger a big anxiety attack. I have to do stuff which makes me anxious it feels like I am frozen, and just making one move would break me into pieces.
It Feels like I am frozen
and the slightest movement
will break me into pieces
Since the therapy session, everything has gotten worse, and I am barely functioning. I know it is because I am now more aware of how I am feeling and I am realising that it is not healthy to feel like this. But I am frustrated with myself. Both because I want to feel better, and be able to live my life the way I want to. But the self-destructive part of me is also frustrated because now I have exposed something that is of course very destructive, but it has also just become “normal” for me, and trying to change and become better is terrifying. And if I am being honest, then a part of me wish I didn’t expose that part of me to the therapist.
I know it is for the best but it is scary.
Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts.Bianca Sparacino
And reading the poem above helps, and I want to be brave enough to heal myself, even though it hurts a lot.
Until next time!