Do you know what really sucks? When you are having a hard/difficult day and all you want to do is curl up in bed and read a book or watch a movie, but you cannot do that because you have obligations and people who rely on you. Well yesterday I had one of those days, and it really sucked.
The day actually started out great. I woke up and went to the gym and just followed the usual routine, and then I had a therapy session. It was a good therapy session, but it was also very difficult and emotional for me and afterwards I was completely drained from energy and all I wanted was to go home, be alone and reflect over the session and just read a book. But I could not do that, because I had to go to work. It made me feel awful being at work, because how do you give 100% at work when you only have 30% left in you? I do not know if that makes any sense? But it just made me feel awful that I was not able to be fully present for the children at work and therefore not do my job properly.
So yesterday’s therapy session was particularly difficult for me because I have never talked about the things we talked before because it brings me so much pain to talk about and it just makes me really sad. In therapy we are currently working on me creating boundaries for what I am okay with other people ‘doing’ to me. My therapist then asked me what I want to gain from setting boundaries and what I want to get from the relationships I have. It was very difficult answering this question because I am used to having friendships where I end up getting hurt/heartbroken in the end. In the last few years I have tried to avoid close relationships with people because I don’t want to get hurt, but I do not want that anymore because that is super lonely. So my answer ended up being: I want to be able to allow people to get close to the real me, and I want to be okay with being vulnerable with these people and be okay with relying on them. However, I DO NOT want “friends” who walk all over me anymore.
This topic is just so fucking difficult to talk about, because one of my biggest fears is that I am going to end up alone and not have anyone in my life that knows the real me, both the beautiful parts of me and my story, but definitely also the ugly and dark parts of me an my story. I want to have people in my life that I can tell my darkest stories to, and who won’t judge me because of them. But it is also difficult because in the past I am used to friends not sticking around.
But here is the thing, in order for me to have close meaningful relationships, I have to allow people to get to know the real me. But how do I allow people to get to know the real me, when most people I have previously allowed to get to know me just took, and took, and took and in the end I was left heartbroken, alone, feeling shitty about myself and doubting my own worth. Again.
I know I allow people to “take advantage” and “use me” and abuse my kindness, but you know the only reason I do that is because I am afraid they won’t like me if I don’t do that and I am afraid I will end up being all alone. Again. And I am scared they won’t stick around when they hear about my issues and if I choose to tell them about some of the darkest parts of my story, what if they choose that it is too much and they don’t want to be a part of my life, that might be the most hurtful thing.
How do I let people in, when I am used to “friends” only being in my life when it fits them? And when I am used to “friends” leaving whenever I really need them?
After therapy, while I was sitting at work before my shift started, I was reading “Salt Water” by Bianna Wiest and one of the poems I read hit me really hard and I got super emotional because it talks about your body being your cage, and every time your confront pain your fascia tightens, and at one point this cage will become so restrictive, that just your breath starts craking it. And I feel like I am at a point right now where my cage is becoming so restrictive, that me breathing is starting to break the cage. I am so happy that I read this exact poem for the first time yesterday because I really needed to read that. This poem made me realise that the cage that has been build by past hurt/pain/trauma, is not saving my life anymore but it is keeping me from living the life I want to live. It almost feels like god or the universe knew i needed to read this poem yesterday.
I kind of want to say thank you to the cage which was built by my past hurt/pain/trauma, in many situations I needed you to survive, but now I am ready to slowly step out and live the life I want to live. For the first time I am starting to be excited about living and being alive, and that is an awesome feeling. And yes, opening up to other people will take time but I am going to try.
Until next time!