It is a weird feeling realizing that I am doing better. As the title says, I am doing great! Which is both the most amazing feeling in the world but it is also super terrifying.
Let’s start with it being the most amazing feeling that I am doing better. For once in my life, I feel at ease with everything in my life, and I feel at ease both with myself, who I am and with the people in my life.
Here are a few areas where I can feel that I have grown:
- I am not feeling nearly as panicked and anxious about the future is unknown. The unknown has always been a big trigger for me feeling anxious. After I graduated college back in June I started to feel worse, and I had a lot of anxiety attacks because I didn’t what type of job I would get and if/when I would even find a job within my field of studies. I am doing a lot better with this, and I am trying to embrace the unknown shift the focus from it being negative to being something positive. They have been dealing with this is by focusing on figuring out what I want and who I am and just appreciate life and do the things I love. I have also been working on continuously telling myself that it is okay to be a little bit lost and everything is happening for a reason.
- I don’t beat myself down mentally as often anymore, and when I do I am learning how to stop myself, and let me tell you one thing. I have gotten so much better at talking nice to myself. To give you an example: The other day I talked with my sister, where we talked about some issues I have, and she confronted me about things she and my other sister had been talking about. Normally I would think everything through so many times, and I would tear myself apart mentally in such a situation. And I didn’t do that, only for about 30-45 minutes and then I put it aside. The old me would have been feeling bad about this for days and I would have been able to sleep.
I am just feeling so much better right now. A few weeks ago I was feeling down; I had multiple anxiety attacks daily and I was afraid that I was going backward and getting more depressed every day, even my therapist noticed the change in me. But I guess what differentiates who I am now with who I was one year ago is the fact that I am getting help. But I am happy that I had a few weeks where everything was a bit more “dark” in my life because it made me realise the progress I have made.
As I mentioned earlier in the post, then feeling this progress is also really terrifying. And as crazy as it may sound then I am comfortable with the depressive way of thinking and changing that is scary and uncomfortable, because that is how I have been since I was a kid. But my therapist has somehow convinced me to try and change my way of thinking by telling me that I can always go back to my old ways of thinking. Knowing that I can always go back to my old way of thinking and acting is what helps me to try and change my thought pattern and behavior, because I can always go back and that brings me comfort.
I still have a long way to go on my mental health journey, and I still have a lot more therapy to go through (btw I just made a huge breakthrough during my last therapy session maybe I will write another post about that?), but I feel fucking awesome because I can begin and see the growth and development within me, and that is the most amazing feeling ever. My family and close friends have been able to see the growth for some time, and they have told me how much I have grown but I just didn’t see it, until now. And even though there still is a long road ahead of me, then I am feeling fucking proud of myself and right now I am so optimistic about the future and I feel like I can grow even more. I choose to focus on the positive, and I feel like I am winning in this weird thing called life, it is small victories, but none the less, they are still victories.