It was my mother’s birthday the other day, and I wrote her this letter. I didn’t give it to her, because for some reason that scares the shit out of me. So, I just typed it into my computer, and now it is just there, and I didn’t know what to do with it. In my family we don’t really say “I love you”, and we never have. I guess that is why I am having a difficult time sharing this letter with my mom. So instead I am going to post the letter here, and maybe I will find the courage to give her the letter someday, or may she will stumble across the letter here, who knows. But here it is:
Happy Birthday. This might be a surprise for you, or maybe it isn’t, but you are one of my best friends, and I don’t know what I would do without you. I have few things I would like to tell you:
Firstly, I would like to apologise. I am sorry for being mad at you sometimes. I just want you to know, that you are not doing anything wrong, the problem is with me. I sometimes get very overwhelmed and I don’t know how to process the emotions, and the only way I know how to deal with the emotions is through anger, and I am really sorry for that. I know I have become a lot better at dealing with these emotions, and processing them in a more healthy way, but I am still sorry for the times I don’t have my emotions under control.
But there actually is a reason for these feelings, I don’t know what I would do without you or dad, and it scares me that I am so depended on you, and I am not talking about financial dependency, but I am talking about being emotional depended on you. Somewhere along the line I began viewing dependency as a weakness, and that is why it freaks me out that I am so depended on you, because I am really terrified of losing you someday. I know you always tell me that you are going to live until you are 108 years old, but the thought of losing you, or dad for that matter, scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what I would do when either of you passes away, and I know it is part of life and everyone passes away at some point, but it really scares me. And I guess that is what love is, caring so much about someone, that the thought of losing them makes your heart hurt. I know this I kind of twisted, because who pushes people away because they are scared of losing them? Well I do.
I try to justify me getting mad and upset as “I shouldn’t have to or want to spend so much time with you”, “I should be more independent, and I should be out doing other stuff. And I should be more like my sister” this is what I tell myself I should feel. But in reality, I love spending time with you. I love that you still want to bring me along on your day trips. I love spending a Friday night with you, doing simple stuff such going to the grocery store or just watching a movie. To put it simply I really just love you.
Get ready for this next part, because it is going to be a long list of things I want to say thank you for, I don’t know if I have said this to you before, but better late than never I guess:
- Thank you for always going above and beyond for me, and my siblings.
- Thank you for accepting me for who I am.
- Thank you for everything you did for me when I got my first depression when I was 14. And thank you for staying with me in school for those few hours I went to school every day when I was 14.
- Thank you for spending two hours driving me to and from school everyday in my last year of high school.
- Thank you for being my biggest advocate, and always fighting for me to get the treatment I needed.
- Thank you for being my number one fan and supporter, and convincing me I could do everything, especially when I doubted myself.
- Thank you for pushing me, and for never letting me give up without a fight.
- Thank you for catching me when I didn’t have anymore fight in me, and somehow you managed to get me back on track, every single time.
- Thank you for the days you have taken time of from work in order to go with me to different therapy sessions. Even though I am an adult you are still there, at those difficult times.
- Thank you for always wanting to do things with me, and for understanding that sometimes I just need you to be next to me without saying anything.
- Thank you for being the best mom I could ever have and thank you for being an amazing role model for me.
I guess I could go on and on about what I am thankful for, and I most likely forgot some major points, but please just know that I am so grateful for everything you have done for me.
I love you so much
XOXO Smølfine ❤