If you read my last blog post, then you know what happened during my final exam of my bachelor’s degree, and I am not going to lie, it really sucked, and I am still a bit disappointed in myself. However, after thinking more rationally about it, I am feeling better and I feel like I have accepted it, and you know what?
I FUCKING GRADUATED! And I am actually feeling proud of myself and I am so relived, because six months ago I was unsure if I was mentally strong enough to continue studying and I almost dropped out. And that is something I should be super proud of, because I didn’t let my anxiety and self-doubt dictate my life, and that is a big accomplishment! Previously, I would have just ran away (not literally run away) from the situation and just simply give up, because somewhere along the line, I have managed to convince myself that I am not good enough, and there is no reason why I should continue fighting for something I want, because I will fail anyways. when I am reflecting over the situation I was in and the growth I have experienced over the last 6 months, then I am proud and I am getting more confident every day and I know that accomplishing this is a huge step in the right direction for my mental health.
And yes, the end results might not have been what I was hoping for, but I still did it. One thing I am beginning to realise is that I don’t control my anxiety, and that is something I need to become better at dealing with. Of course, I have all of my techniques for dealing with my anxiety, but sometimes that is just not enough, and I will get an anxiety attack. In those situations, I am now realising that, it is okay and it is not my fault, I am not failure because I have an anxiety attack and everything will be okay, as long as I just breath.
However, these last two weeks would have been a literal hell for me, if it was not for my family. I am so lucky, because I have a family that understands that I am dealing with a tendency to depression and I they understand I have anxiety. They might not completely get what that means to me, but they understand and support me anyways. My parents and my siblings were incredible, and without them even knowing it, they made sure I didn’t/don’t tear myself apart because of what happened. They reasoned with me, and they somehow knew what was going on inside my head, and they made me realise what happened in the exam, what I could do differently another time and how this is just a part of me, and not all days will be good and that is okay. But I think the love and support was what helped me the most, one of my uncles reached out to me, just to congratulate me, and let me know they were looking forward to celebrating me graduating. My uncle probably doesn’t realise this, but that meant so much to me, and it still does.
And speaking about the graduation party, that afternoon/evening was incredible. I had an amazing time, and it felt so good to know that people actually care. And I DIDN’T have an anxiety attack, and the social anxiety I normally feel, was not there at all, which was so amazing, because I just felt relaxed and enjoyed my time.
If any member of my family somehow reads this, then thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤