A Shitty Day

I can’t breathe,
I can’t think,
My mind is blank
And my heart is heavy
Did I just screw up?
Please don’t let me screw this up.
I can’t breathe
I want to leave,
But I can’t.
What is wrong with me?
Just fucking breathe!

Me during the exam
Pernille Utoft

Hi Everyone

Let me tell you about one of the shittiest days of my life. Today was probably one of the worst days I have had in a long time. Let me tell you why.

Today I had the final exam of my bachelor’s degree, and it was an oral exam where I basically had to defend the thesis I wrote. This exam is the worst experience I have had with an oral exam, my supervisor was good and the censor in the room was also good, the problem was within me. Here is what happened: I have always had a problem with exam anxiety, even in middle school it was an issue, but my exam anxiety have just grown, and today it hit an all time high.

For around 48 hours prior to the exam I was feeling anxious, my pulse was high, my heart was beating super fast and I just felt very uneasy. Because I was feeling anxious for so long before the exam, I just started feeling worse and worse, and none of the techniques my therapist gave me helped me, and this morning when I woke up, I felt so bad. But the exam started, it was a bit shaky first, because I accidentally started presenting in Danish (I had just spoken with the teacher and censor in Danish), but the rest of the presentation went smoothly. At this point I was still feeling very anxious, but I also felt like I could get through it. Then I got the first question, and I mixed up the order of a specific theory, and then it was just down hill.

After I mixed up the answer to the first question, it was like everything in my head went black (this has never happened before, but it has always been a big fear of mine), and I all of a sudden didn’t remember anything. I tried to answer the questions, but my answers were not good. And then came the anxiety attack… I had an anxiety attack in the exam room, and when I started to really feel it, I still had 5-7 minutes left of the exam. I have never felt more helpless and uncomfortable as I did in that situation. It felt like the walls were closing in on me, and it felt like I could breath and I was going to be sick and knowing I could not leave the room for another 5 minutes, that was a horrible feeling. All I wanted to do was get out of there. In the end of the exam all of my answers was basically “sorry, I don’t remember”.

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas on Pexels.com

My final grade was not good. And right now, I am really disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I didn’t do better.

But at least I have some amazing people around me, who is just proud that I actually finished my education. I know I should be proud of myself too, but right now I am not really that proud, maybe in a few days I will be, but not right now.

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