Yesterday I gave myself a new task. This new task is something I have had a lot of trouble within the past. The task is to be more open about who I am, what I like, what is important for me and what am I passionate about. It sounds simple right? Well it is not… I assume I am not the only person with this struggle, but I have never been comfortable with sharing to much of my self and who I am with other people, because I am afraid of being judged. This links back to my previous blog post “Stopping Being Self-Sabotaging”, where I talk about not allowing friends/people to get to close to me, and I don’t give them the opportunity of getting to know the real me. (You should check out my previous blog post here)
In this blog post I am going to have a go at saying who I am, what I like, what is important for me and what I am passionated about. This post might only be interesting for me, but I think this is an important first step for me, in order to feel more comfortable about sharing more about myself. Right now I actually feel really uncomfortable writing about this, which is exactly why I need to do this.
So, who am I then?
My name is Pernille Utoft and I am 23 almost 24 years old. I tend to be a bit quiet around large gatherings of people and new people. I am a kind person with a big heart. I want the best for everyone around me, and that will often land me in deep shit, because I am to busy taking care of other people and I forget myself. I usually stand up for what I believe in, but I hate confrontation, especially when it is about personal stuff. I get anxiety attacks, panic attacks, I am a chronic pain patient, and I get depressed easily, these things are a part of me, but they do not define me. I am more than my anxiety, depression and chronic pain. And I am actually really good within the field of my studies.
What do I like then?
I have a really sore spot for classical music, especially classical piano pieces. Erik Satie, his pieces have been a favourite of mine for a while now, especially Trois Gymnopédies. I also have a secret obsession/love for country music and Taylor Swift. I love books, especially poetry books and lyrical books. – Lately I have gotten really into watching ballet and opera. I have only seen one opera in real life and one ballet, but I have watched a lot on youtube.
I love being outside in the nature, feeling the sun on my skin or the rain or wind for that matter, and listening to the sounds and smells of the forest makes me feel at peace and connected, like I am part of something bigger than just me. Going for a walk in the forest just makes me smile and it gives me energy and I get a feeling of anything is possible. the forest is where I go to, even if I just imagine I am in the forest, whenever I feel anxious or stressed.
I am a romantic by heart, and I probably watch too many romantic comedies and read to many romance books, but they just make me feel happy inside. I love Jane Austin, simple as that, and my favourite movie of all time is pride and prejudice. I spent way too much time watching youtube, and I don’t really like watching TV, I just don’t have the patience to watch it.
Last but not least, I really love writing. Most of the time it is just in my notebooks where I write my diary, poems, small things, but I also really like writing here. For me writing down everything that is going on inside my head is some kind of therapy, and it helps me clear my head.
What is important for me then?
My own mental health and well being is one of the most important things to me. And then my family, my family means everything to me, and I would actually be really lost without them. Another thing which is important for me is figuring out what makes me happy in life, and what I would like to do with the rest of my life.
What am I passionated about then?
This one was a bit more difficult for me, because it is not something I have really thought much about. But I have always had a dream about wanting to make a difference in the world before I die. I still don’t know how I am going to do that, but one day I am sure it will become clear for me.
Wow, did that sound like a dating profile or what? Okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean, hopefully. I actually have a really nice feeling right now. It feels good to write it down, like I somehow feel more confident and self-assured, just because I have made it clear to myself who I am right now. This list is going to change many times, because I am going to keep changing, just like life.
I believe that it would be good for everyone to try and figure out a way to be confident about who they are and what they like. And I actually think writing it down for yourself in the beginning is a good start, even if you can only write a couple of things down, then that is a first step. Because defining what you like, what you are good at etc. is something you can hold on to! I plan on keeping the points I have made for myself in this post in my mind, and I am going to try to remember them on the bad days where I feel worthless and like my life is empty.