I have always thought that I know what is best for me. Because of everything I have been through in my life, I have been convinced that I know exactly what I want to have in my life and what I don’t want to have in my life. But through these last few weeks, I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially about the people I let into my life, the people I open up to and the people I remove from my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still know exactly what I want and deserve from my relations to family and friends etc. I still want the people in my life who makes me happy, and who is also happy being around me. One problem I have had throughout my entire life, is feeling insecure around my friends and family, and particularly feeling insecure about whether or not they actually really want to be my friend. I know this is an insecurity a lot of people have, but I have let the fear take over, and I realise that now. My therapist asked me this question:
“Pernille, how do you expect people to choose you, just the way you are right now, if you don’t give them the choice?”
That question hit me like a ton bricks, because I didn’t even know I took the choice away from my friends and family and I purposely try to sabotage every type of relationship I have. Just to explain the pattern I have had for the last 4-5 years, then I give so much of myself to friends without really giving them anything. What I mean by this is, that I will always be there for them, be a shoulder to cry on, listen to their problems, but I would not let them get to know the real me.
Just to give you an example, I have been friends with this guy for 4 years now, and I feel like I know a lot about him, but I haven’t trusted the friendship or him enough to let him get to know me, such the things which is really important to me, what I am passionate about, what I just really like and don’t like for that matter. During these 4 years I have always felt insecure about whether or not he actually wanted our friendship, and I was constantly annoyed with him. So back in November/December I took the choice away from him, and I just slowly stopped communication with him. At the time it felt good, and I think I needed it at the time, but when I look back at it now, then I am happy it happened otherwise I would have continued using my old pattern, of not allowing people to get to know me, but it also makes me sad that it had to go that far.
Now that I am looking at the situation from afar and I am mentally in a better place, I can begin to see what the issue is. My biggest problem is that I sabotage everything which have the possibility of bringing me joy. With friends and family, I just don’t let them in, I have convinced myself that there is no point of letting them in, because they are just going to leave anyways. If I continue this pattern, then I am not going to have a very fulfilling life and I might not get any deep emotional connections with people.
So, I have made a choice. I am going to break that pattern. It is going to be very difficult, but I just going to take it one step at the time. I have already taken two huge steps.
Firstly, I have invited my entire family to a graduation party, and even though I felt very anxious about the sending out the invitations, I did it. And my family is coming to the party, and I am beginning to realise that they are coming because they want to, not because they have to, but because they really want to. And that is an amazing feeling.
Secondly, I have contacted the friend I mentioned previously in the post. We have catching up a bit via text messages, and we will be going out for a cup of coffee next week hopefully. I am actually really anxious about us meeting up for coffee, because I want to tell him what have been going on these last 6 months and I want to tell him about everything I have written in this post, but I am just really scared. What if I am to late? What if he is over having me as a friend? The thing about this which really sucks is that he was/is kind of like a little brother to me, and I am scared that we will never be “close” again. But I guess all I can do is just allow him to get to know me, and then give him the choice, there is nothing more I can do.
I wrote this next little part while i was sitting in the car today:
From now on, I am going to be me!
I am going to love the music I want
I am going to love the things I want
I am no longer going to hide who I am
I am going to fucking own it and proud of it
Because I am fucking awesome.
Until next time!