Today I would like to talk a bit about body issues, and issues with self confidence and self-love. This topic is not something I usually like to talk about, because I am afraid of being judged and I am afraid of what people think of me, because I am overweight. If I am being honest, then I don’t think I have ever really talked to anyone about my body issues because I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I have these body issues. And the only way for me to get over being ashamed of my issues, is to talk about them, or in this case write about them. So here we go:
For as long as I can remember, I have been very unsatisfied with my body. I have always been overweight, and I have always felt like I had to be on a diet, watch what I eat and go to the gym more, and to a certain extent, I still feel like that. At some point in my life I convinced myself that the only way I can be happy, is if I lose weight. And I also convinced myself that the only way anyone else would love me is if I lose weight and have a healthy lifestyle. But you know what? I am sick of thinking like that! I want to love my body and myself for who I am and how I look right now, and not just some version of myself I have created in my head.
I remember when I was a teenager, I used to hope and wish that I was someone else, someone who was 10 centimeters shorter, someone who was not overweight, someone who had the perfect body, someone with an amazing personality. I spent so much time thinking about this, that I had created a different world inside my mind, and I used to wake up feeling sad because I would wake up being me. It got to a point where it became difficult for me to distinguish between what was real life and what was fantasy.
”The problem isn’t with your body, the problem is what you think of it… And what you think of yourself”
But, I want to enjoy my life right now and love every moment now, instead of living in the future, where I might lose some weight. Don’t get me wrong, I have had periods of my life where I have absolutely loved myself (most of the time), and I have had moments where I think I look good, but lately I have been really hard on myself, and I have been very unsatisfied with how I look. The way I talk to myself and what I think of myself is so mean, I am probably the meanest bully I have ever met, I mean, at least I am the meanest bully towards myself, not towards others.
But as I mentioned; I am sick of thinking that way about myself. I want to feel good about myself now, and yes, I might lose some weight in the future, and that would be great, but I still want to be happy with my self and feel good right now.
I am feeling better about myself, I have started to love and appreciate my personality, and who I am as a person. Getting to a point where I accept and actually love and appreciate my personality have been very difficult, but I am feeling more confident and it have made me happier.
One of biggest factors for me starting to love my self, or at least my personality, is that I don’t have a fantasy person I want to be anymore. At least, my fantasy person has my personality, the fantasy person still exists, but now it is only the outside that looks different. Another part of me staring to love my personality is that I experienced being truly happy, getting friends who I think liked me, this all happened when I was on exchange in New Zealand.
My goal is to change the importance of this fantasy person I have in my head. I don’t want to remove it completely, but I want it to be a smaller part of how I feel about myself.
So, what have I been doing to start love and appreciate my body? Well, I have been doing a few things actually. Firstly, I have started telling myself things I like about my personality and my body every day. This can be some very small things, such as “my butt looks good in those jeans”, or “I have a beautiful smile”. it doesn’t have to be big things I tell myself, but it just boosts my confidence when I tell myself what I like about myself.
Another thing I have been doing, is that I have begun changing my lifestyle. I have begun seeing a nutritionist, and she is helping me change my lifestyle, so it will become healthier and then I will become more healthy. What we have been doing is changing the focus from losing weight, to gaining a healthy body. Of course, I would still love to lose some weight, but what I really want is to live a long and healthy life and be able to have kids one day. When I was a bit younger, the only way I thought I could lose weight, was to starve myself, and it did work, for a short period of time anyways. One thing that have been helping me is to not weigh myself at home anymore, but only get the body analysis my nutritionist makes for me, because that shows more than just the weight, it also shows how much fat I have, how much muscle I have and much more. The last time I was at my nutritionist, I was actually a bit disappointed with myself, because the weight hadn’t gone down, but when we began looking into what had happened, then I could see that I had actually lost 1,5 kg of fat and I had gained almost 2 kg in muscle, which is amazing!
I never thought that I would actually post a picture of me (a full body picture of me) on this blog before I had lost some more weight, but you know, I think it is time for me to stop hiding and be proud of the way I look right now.
Let me know if you would like to get some updates on this!
“Shout out to all the girls working on loving their bodies because that shit is hard and I am proud of you!”