Sometimes you just need to feel the rain. Let it beat upon your face, cleanse your soul and free you spirit
Sometimes I wonder how I am ever going to feel better. One day I feel absolutely amazing and I feel like I am finally out from my depressed state, and then the next day I am back to feeling like I am a zombie walking around in an empty body and it kind of feels like I’m not really present. I am aware that I will most likely have bad days, but right now it just feels like I am not moving in the right direction mentally and it is just standing still, and I don’t know how to deal with that… I wish I did, but unfortunately, I don’t. yet.
I am not going to lie. These last few weeks have been really though for me mentally, because I have been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking. It seems like every time I start to work on one part of myself, I find five other areas of myself which I would like to improve. And that feeling sucks… I gets super overwhelming, it feels like I am walking in a tunnel and every time I am close to the end of the tunnel, the tunnel magically gets longer and what once was a clear opening is now a small light far away. I am not saying that I haven’t made any progress, because I have, but it just seems like the goal is getting further and further away and it is no longer within reach. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you?
As I said, I have made some progress in my personal development journey. Most of the time I feel more centered and connected with myself, and I am starting to feel more confident again. I have had quite a few days where I have felt well-balanced and centered with myself in a way I have never felt before, which is something I am really proud of. And I have figured out what I want to do regarding my education, and I have taken the first steps for me to finish it and graduate in June. I even handed in an exam paper a few weeks ago, I was not sure I was going to be able to actually write this paper, but I did it. I just received the grade from that exam paper the other day, and a part of me is relived that I passed the exam (I barely passed it, but still, it is a pass). But I am so quick to go back to old habits, and if I am being honest, then I am very disappointed in myself, because I could have done more/I should have done more, and a part of me thinks I am a complete idiot, and then I think “why even bother with finishing the education? You are to stupid to finish it anyways. You are never going to be able to find a job, because you are so stupid!”. I wish I could just be happy with the fact that I passed the exam and now I don’t have to think about it anymore.
I know it is just me being a perfectionistic idiot, but the words I tell myself still stick with me. You might think, why don’t you just ignore what you are telling yourself then? Trust me I wish I could, but the voice is so harsh, and loud that I can’t ignore it, at least I can’t ignore it yet. I hope that I will manage to ignore the voice one day, but I am still not sure how to do that.
A few weeks ago, I had the first meeting with my bachelor thesis supervisor, and it couldn’t have gone any better! He approved the project company I want to write the thesis in corporation with, which is amazing. The company is the school where I help out in the after-school club, which is amazing, because I already know the place and most importantly, I feel safe and secure when I am there. After the meeting with my supervisor I was feeling so motivated and I was also feeling excited to get started with everything. I did start on the thesis, I have now made the outline of what the thesis is going to entail, I have also made half of the project description and I made a very long list about everything that needs to be done, but that is about it. I think I made a mistake when I wrote down this really long list with things I need to do, because now I am just way to overwhelmed by everything that I am not getting anything done. This might be my perfectionism again, or maybe it’s not my perfectionism but something completely different, I don’t know. But now I just feel guilty and I am mad at myself, because I have wasted 1 week on not getting enough done. And the voice I have in my head is still here, telling me how much I suck, what an idiot I am, no one can ever love a looser like you, your family most be so disappointed in you. These are just some of the thoughts I have in my head right now. Some of these thoughts originates from today though.
Today I went to my sister’s birthday party. She turned 30 back in December, but because they got sick, my sister chose to postpone her birthday. I love my parents and siblings more than anything, they are the only people who gets to see both the pretty, the ugly, the emotional and the temperamental sides of me. But every time I am in a social situation, just like I was today, I feel sick and anxious. I was at the party for four hours, but I spent 2,5 of them feeling bad, and counting down the hours before I could leave. I always do that when I am with a bigger group of friends or family, I always have an escape route planned. The only problem today was that I had driven to my sister’s house together with my parents, so I couldn’t just leave. Right now, I feel guilty for how I was at the party, I was very quiet and distant from everyone, and I was just being a party pooper if I am being honest. Normally I would handle this with drinking some alcohol, and just numb the feelings I have, but since this was a family party, it would not have been right. But now I am feeling guilty, because I barely talked with anyone, not even my siblings.
I know this has been kind of a negative post, but this last week have just been, I don’t know, something… If I should describe how I feel in a color, then it is gray, you know the kind of gray it is outside on a rainy day where you barely see the sun? that is how I feel. I just hope that this rain storm will pass soon, and I will be able to see the sun again and everything will become a bit brighter. Maybe comparing how I feel to a rainy storm is not the best idea I have had, because I really like the rain! But I will interpret the comparison as a sign, that good times are ahead. Now that I think about it, I am mostly smiling when I am out in the rain.
I like people who smile when it is raining.
Therefor I must really like myself then!