Figuring Out What I Want in Life.

Hi, Hallo to anyone who is reading this. To anyone who is reading this, I hope you have had or are having an absolutely amazing day! You deserve that, you deserve to have a day where you just have this calm feeling in you body, where you are just happy. No matter what you are going through, I hope you know that you are not alone in it, it might seem like you are completely alone, but trust me you are not!

It has almost been two weeks since I last posted on this blog, which is a strange feeling, even though I haven’t been doing this blogging thing for too long, I already love it. I really like that I get to step out of my comfort zone and just write whatever is on my mind. But there is a reason I haven’t posted anything, and this reason is that I had to work through some things. I didn’t know that I had to work through these things now, but I am so happy and proud that I have been able to start the process of working through everything.

Last Monday (the 19th of February), I had an appointment with my therapist, and let me tell you, that was a though appointment. The days before the appointment, I had some really rough days, and I was feeling very depressed, stressed, anxious and I was just feeling super shitty about everything and just wanted to lay in bed with the door locked. So, this was of course where our conversation started out. I kind of knew why I was feeling like that, but I was too scared to admit it to myself. The reason that I was feeling more depressed than usual was that I had a deadline for one of my classes coming up, and I was beginning to feel very nervous about the bachelor thesis, which I am currently in starting to write. For the last 4 months I have barely been able to think about school, since I know what happens when I start to worry about it. It always starts out with me telling myself that “I should be more productive, and start doing some actual work.” and then it is just a downward spiral, where I feel very guilty, then there is more bad thoughts about myself, which leads to me feeling even more guilty, which makes me think even worse about myself, and usually it continues like that until I either distract me or have a panic attack or an anxiety attack. This is what happened a few days before I had the appointment with my therapist.

This therapy session was by far, the best one I have had. the main topic for this session was university and what I am currently studying, as well as my perfectionism. I will share one of the things she told me, which is that ‘she hears what I am saying, and that I would like to be done with my current education and just graduate. But she doesn’t see any spark in my eyes or any willingness to fight for graduating’. When she first said this, I was completely shocked. This was the first time anyone had been able to see through what I was saying and basically calling me out on my bullshit in a way. I knew that I did not have a lot of fight in me to be able to graduate, and this is mainly because I lost all of my confidence last semester. Imagine going from being a pretty good and active student with pretty good grades (at least I was a good and active student compared to my classmates), to all of a sudden sitting in class one day and almost having a breakdown, and having to go on sick leave for some time?  I know that this was meant to happen, and to be honest, I am actually glad it happened, because if it had not happened then I would not be on this journey to finding myself again and really work on my mental health and take it 100% seriously and make my mental health my top priority. But I still have this little voice in my head that says that I am a failure because I didn’t manage to do what I expected of myself at the time.

I was so shocked about what she had said, and I felt really sad. In the following days I kept thinking about what she had told me. I didn’t think about it in a bad way, quite the opposite actually. I was thinking a lot about my studies, and if I really want to finish it. Every time I thought about it, I got the same conclusion, which is that I actually would really love to be able to finish my studies and graduate in June. So that is what I have decided to do! I am going to be giving myself and my studies a real change to be able to succeed in this. This process was really difficult for me, and I basically walked around like a zombie for 4-5 days, because there was so many thoughts going on in my head. I think this process sparked something in me, and I have gotten this feeling of wanting to fight for it back, and I want to show myself that I am pretty damn awesome, and I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I do realize that I need to change the way I am going to reach my goal. And I have already started this change, for example; I need to become better at time management, I need to make a plan for when I am going to be working on my bachelor thesis and anything related to school, and when I am not. This is going to be the most difficult thing for me, because I am not good at planning my time regarding studying. Normally I just work a lot on my homework and projects, until the point where I am completely exhausted, and I am always unsatisfied with myself, because I could always be doing more or working harder. I need to change the way I think about that, because it is simply not healthy, it stresses me out and gives me anxiety attacks.

Another thing I have to change is that I need to take my assignments and bachelor thesis on step at the time, give my self some smaller goals and allow my self to enjoy these small victories. I think one of my big issues is that I like the idea of the end goal, and just work and work until I reach the end goal. For the last three and a half years, my end goal was to graduate, don’t get me wrong it still is, but I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the process and enjoy all of the achievements, victories, good grades, amazing projects I either made or receiver. I need to change my way of thinking and tell myself that the small goals I reach are fucking awesome and tell myself that I am allowed to take a night off and enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I want to be able to enjoy the process of getting my education and become better at enjoying the here and now.

Most of the issues I have regarding my school work is that I am a perfectionist, which can be both a good thing, but when it gets to extreme it can easily become a bad thing. For me it has gotten to the point where it is just too much, and it is a restraint on my life. And I am trying to break this pattern, but it is very difficult, and it will take a lot of practice and time. I think I will be doing another blog post on this topic soon.

But as I mentioned earlier, having these thoughts sparked something in me, and I was ready to start actually doing some school work. I decided that I would start with the exam paper I had to hand in today. I had been informed that I could post pone this paper until May, but last weekend I decided that I would try to start on it now. I made a plan for the work I needed to do, and I made sure that I made room for a lot of breaks so I would not be too hard on myself. And I told myself that I was only allowed to work for the hours I had written down, and when the plan told me I had to stop, I actually had to stop working on it and enjoy some time off. Making this plan actually worked, I followed the plan and the first day I had this calm feeling in my body, and I hadn’t felt like that in a long time. And the most amazing thing happened, I didn’t feel stressed and I didn’t have an anxiety attack! And that is a big win in my book. Working the exam paper like that made me motivated to continue doing it like that, and all of a sudden, I managed to finish the paper and hand it in before the deadline today. I don’t remember the last time I was this proud of myself, because holy fuck I am so fucking proud of the fact that I did it. I know this paper is not the best work I have ever made, and I am actually okay with that for once! To be honest I didn’t think I would ever be able to write this paper, so the fact I did manage to do that is amazing to me.

This was all I had to say for now, I just really wanted to share this with you.

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