Sometimes I forget to enjoy all of the amazing moments that is happening in my life and focus too much on the more negative parts of my life. This is something I am working on changing, even though it is super difficult, but at least I am trying, and I guess that is all I can do. But not today, today I actually had a damn good day, and I have been enjoying it!
I went out for dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in a few months, and it was actually a really good night. Lately I haven’t been going out with friends as much as I used to do, and I think that have made me scared and nervous before I hang out with my friends who are not in my family. Before going out I was very nervous and just really scared, for some reason going out for dinner with a friend seems like such a big commitment to me because I know I will have to sit there for at least one or two hours before it is over, and I get scared that the conversation will be awkward and we wont have anything to talk about. This is also how I feel when it comes to dating, but that is a completely different story.
The funny thing about this friend is that she has seen me, been there for me and guided me when I was at an all time low last October, and she still didn’t judge me. But I think that is what scares me. I know this is going to sound sad, but I am not used to my friends seeing the real me, they normally only see what I want them to see. I know it might have a control issue when it comes to that, but I guess it is a defend mechanism I have put up, in order to not get hurt.
But this one particular friend, she has seen me at some of the best moments of my life and some of the worst moments of my life. I have known her for the last 3,5 years, but we haven’t really been that close during the time. At least for me, she has always been that one friend from my class that understood mental illness, and therefore I actually felt safe talking to her about what is really going on with me. Since I have felt safe with her as a friend, I have shown her a lot more about who I really am, not just what I want other people to see. Because of this, and because she is the person she is, she has been one of the few people who have been able to see straight through the wall I have spent so many years building around me.
This is actually pretty terrifying for me. I don’t like it when people get to close to me, both mentally and sometimes physically, and if I am being honest it is because I like to have an easy exit route. For example: if I am sitting at a table with many people having dinner, I want to sit by the end of the table, and preferably closest to either the exit or the bathroom, because then I have an easy way to get out of the situation.
The fact the she can almost see straight through what I want people to see is both terrifying, but it actually makes me feel at ease as well. I don’t have to put up a façade, and I can just be me, which I actually really like. I will make it a mission from now on, I am going to try to show people the real me, and then they can just take it or leave it, because that would be so much easier for me to keep up with. Then the real question is, who am I? I am still trying to figure that out that, but I am slowly figuring it out.
If we just go back to why my day was so good today, it was because of the dinner I had with her. I realized that everything I have been so nervous bout before (sine we made the plans), was nothing I should be worried about. The conversation was a lot smoother than I had imagined. In my head I had pictured a lot of awkward silences, and me not being able to continue the conversation. To think I have spent so much time worrying over nothing, is completely bonkers to me. Just imagine when I am going on dates, it is ten times worse compared to when I am just hanging out with friends.
I wasn’t planning on making another post today, but I just felt like I wanted to share how good today actually was and start focusing on the positive parts of my life.