I would like to try something different in this blog post. The other day I wrote an entry in my diary. I wrote the entry in my diary, while I was in the beginning of having an anxiety attack. When I was writing this, I was feeling very sad, stressed and to be honest I was crying when I was writing it. I would like to share what I wrote in this blog post, because I think it is important, and I like seeing what is happening inside my mind when i being writing when an anxiety attack is happening. Maybe it will also be interesting for you, who knows?
So here it goes:
Today is not a good day… I don’t know what is wrong, I just don’t feel good. Even as I am trying to write this, tears are threatening to fall. I don’t know what happened to make me feel like this, or actually I do. I don’t know why I keep trying to hide the fact that I am not okay and something is wrong, especially when I know that talking about what is wrong helps me, but I still refuse to open up and talk about it, even here, and this should be a safe spot for me to let everything out. No one will ever read this, so why not just tell it as it is? It doesn’t make any sense, so why don’t I just do it? This is not the first time I have chosen not to write in here what is actually wrong, I do it more often than I would like to admit. Even when I am writing in here, I feel like I have to keep up appearance and be perfect. I feel guilty for not being okay with everything that goes on in my life.
That changes today. Today I am going to be open and honest about what is going on that is making me feel like shit, so here it goes:
These last few weeks have been very difficult because I am in so much pain, I mean, I am used to always being in physical pain because of the chronic pain. You know, chronic pain is the new black right? But in these last few weeks the pain has been on a completely different level, and I have barely been able to function, sleep or anything.
When I am in a lot of pain I know, I become more mentally vulnerable and exhausted, and it doesn’t take a lot for my mood to be affected, this also happened this time. These last few days I have been feeling pretty sad, alone and frustrated, and it doesn’t take a lot for me to feel down. I have even been wearing makeup these last few days, and I never wear makeup on a regular week day, when nothing is going on. Normally, I only wear a bit of makeup if I have a bad skin day or put on makeup for a special occasion or when I feel bad. So when I have been wearing makeup these last few days it is because I am trying to put on a mask, a mask which covers the fact I am not doing well, it feels like I am trying to divert the attention away, and I have this idea in my head, that if I look put together on the outside, then it will also look like I am doing well. News flash, the people that really know me, they see straight through the mask I am trying so desperately to put on. I know this is silly, but it actually helps me feel a tiny bit better in the situation.
Yesterday I was supposed to have dinner with a friend, but she postponed it, which kind of made me feel down, but if I am being honest, I was actually pretty happy that I didn’t have to go yesterday. But it still triggered a lot of feelings and thoughts within me, I was, and I still am scared that she chose to cancel because of something I did or said, or maybe she just regretted it. I haven’t hung out with this girl for a few months, I think the last time I saw her was in October, and I was actually really excited to catch up with her, but we will see if it even happens, right now I don’t think it will happen.
One thing I have been working is becoming better at asking for help and becoming better at accepting help. I don’t like asking other people for help, and when someone offers to help me I am very reluctant to accept it, because I feel like I am being a burden. I think it all comes down to control. I am afraid I am going to loos all control if I ask anyone for help, and that thought scares the shit out of me. Even when mom asks me if she can help me with small things on the days I am in a lot of pain or just feeling bad, I say no, even though it would actually help me. My mom asked me if I would like her to do my laundry the other day, because she knows that it will only make my pain worse, I say no. why? Because I am afraid that she won’t do it exactly the way I normally do it.
This girl has major control and trust issues, apparently.
The other day my sister offered to help me with the paper I I have to write to pass the last class of my studies, before I can write my bachelor thesis. I had a very difficult time accepting the offer, and I explained to her why I was so reluctant to say yes. I told her I felt like I was being a burden, and that I thought the only reason she offered to help me, was to be polite. Again, trust issues, I don’t trust when people just want to help me succeed.
My sister kindly informed me that that all of the concerns I had were all things that was going on in my head, and she also told me that most people only offer to help someone if they actually want to help. So, I accepted her help, I was and I a still am very reluctant to actually take her up on the offer, because I am still scared that she didn’t mean it, and I am going to be a burden to her. But I said yes to her, and I guess that is the first step to becoming better at it.
But what really got to me today was the fact that I asked someone for help (this happened literally 30 minutes ago), I asked a friend to help me with something, and actually it is a pretty big thing I asked for her to help me with (I won’t go into details about what it is). I knew she would most likely say no, and I was, and I still am, okay with that, but I still hoped she would have said yes. And as I expected, she said no, and I completely understand why she said no. But that didn’t stop the anxiety attack from happening (it is still here, but it is helping to write about it). Now I have this bad feeling in my body. I am afraid she now thinks I only want to talk to her when I need something, which is not the case. She is a freaking awesome human being, and I am happy that she is my friend. But I am still afraid, that she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, because I asked her for help again. Now that I am writing this down it all seems so silly, but the feeling is still there.
Until next time diary! Hopefully next time it will be a bit more cheerful.
P.S. Note to self: you are good enough, and you are not failure because you ask other people for help! Remember that!
So that was my diary entry I wrote. After I wrote this, I made small note in my planner, that because I started writing everything down, I didn’t experience a massive panic or anxiety attack, just a minor one. For me, my anxiety attacks and panic attacks always come in different scales, and by writing everything down, it allowed me almost to stop the attack from being to big. So maybe next time I feel anxious I am just going to be writing down what is going on.
I hope you enjoyed this little peek inside my brain. I am both nervous and scared of sharing this, but I also feel good about sharing it.