… or at least trying to.
Why is it that whenever I have a good day or week, I can never really enjoy it? This week have actually been really good now that I think about it. But it somehow seems like I can never really enjoy the good times, because I know that it is not going to last. It is like a part of me knows that feeling good won’t last forever and is just waiting for something bad to happen. It is so frustrating to know that today, and this entire week have actually been a good one, but I am so worried/afraid/anxious or whatever you want to call it about what will happen next and what the future will hold.
I try to keep reminding myself to just enjoy what is happening right now, but that is fucking hard. I wish I would be able enjoy the good times as they are happening, and not just after they have happened, if that makes any sense.
Sometimes it is just difficult. But I guess that is what life is, difficult. So, what made this week a good week for me? Actually, it wasn’t really anything special that happened this week, and it wasn’t really that eventful. But I think what have made this week a good was, that it wasn’t anything special, nothing bad really happened, and I was just surrounded by awesome people. Another thing I noticed this week, which I think had a positive impact on my life is the fact that my anxiety wasn’t really that bad this week! Which is something I need to remember to celebrate. And I am finally starting to feel comfortable being in the after school club in the school, and I actually look forward to going there every day, and I no longer try to think of excuses of why I shouldn’t go. I think that is mainly because of the people working there, whom I actually really enjoy working with, and they make me feel as if I am part of the team.
I have been trying to enjoy the fact that this week is a good week, but something I have been struggling with is that I feel guilty. I feel really guilty over being happy and enjoying the fact that it is a good week, and when I start to feel guilty my mind automatically tells myself that it will not last, and then I get hit with a very anxious feeling. It is difficult to explain why I am feeling so guilty this week. But the reason is the same as always. The easiest way to explain it is saying what I subconsciously am telling myself; “if you are feeling this good, then why are you not doing something productive? You should be focusing on your studies, not just sit there reading a book.”. Everything I think in these situations are actually really negative, and I am not friendly towards myself.
It feels like a broken record. I keep going back to thinking like that and putting myself down because I don’t do what I have convinced myself I should be doing. I had another appointment with my therapist this week, and one of the things she told me to do was to start changing my way of thinking about myself. Instead of being disappointed that I am not doing anything which may seem productive, I should tell myself that “how nice that you are just sitting there reading a book” and be happy about that. The logical part of my brain knows that it is true, and I should be thinking like that, but I still don’t. A part of me is still disappointed that I didn’t spent more time being productive this week, and I feel like I am not living up to my own expectations.
Feeling like that, isn’t anything new to me actually. When I think about it, I have been dealing with it ever since I first got diagnosed with a depression when I was 14. I have always felt guilty when I was having good days, and when I was feeling guilty about having good days, my thoughts when be so cruel that it would changes my mood within minutes. The same goes for when ever my chronic pains are on a level where I can deal with it without medication, I start to feel so guilty and think that it is my own fault, and I shouldn’t be complaining about it and just be more productive and do more stuff. But with my chronic pains it is a bit different, because when I am having a good day, and I start thinking that I do something a bit more productive, it can actually make the pain worse, and then I feel guilty not understanding and learning from what my body is doing. But I will talk more about my chronic pains in a different post.
But today and this weekend is going to be a good one! that is something I am deciding right now. Today I am going to work, and then I am actually being social tonight (which is something I don’t really do anymore). I am going to a social event with everyone I work with tonight, a part of me is actually really excited, but I am also feeling a bit at nervous about it. Going to social arrangement/parties is something I find pretty stressful, and the fact that I know I have to stay there for a good amount of time is pretty stressful. I am going to do it, but I still feel pretty anxious about it.
And I am so happy, because my sister has promised to help me start on the exam paper I need to write, so on Sunday she has promised to sit together with me and work on it. Sometimes I don’t understand how I got so lucky with my family! I realize that I am actually really lucky, because I have a family that understands that I am dealing with some things, about my mental health and my chronic pain right now, and they do everything they can to help me, but most importantly they understand and don’t pressure me to do anything I am not ready for.
Sometimes it can be a bit difficult to remember that I have people in my life that just want the best for me and supports me no matter what. But I am so grateful that I am lucky enough to have that.