Today is a weird day. Wait, this week is a weird week actually. I cannot really explain why it is weird, I just have this weird feeling in my body. I just have so many mixed emotions in my body, and I don’t know what to do about it. Up until now, there has been so many good things happening this week, as well as some difficult things which is really taking a toll on me mentally. But let me try to explain what have been going on.
I do not know if I should start with the good or the more difficult things that have happened this week. But let’s start with the difficult things, then I can end this on a more positive note.
Long story short, I was am supposed to be graduating with my bachelor’s degree tomorrow. Even writing that down feels weird. But I am not graduating tomorrow. I would like to tell you what happened in my life, that let to me deciding to postpone my graduation. In the fall semester in 2018, everything was going okay, I was not feeling the best, but I was just brushing it off with “you are just feeling a bit off because it is your last semester and you are about to enter the real adult world” and “it is just because it is weird being back home studying after being in New Zealand on exchange” (by the way, I spent my spring semester 2018 in New Zealand as an exchange student, I will talk more about that in a different post). The biggest mistake I made that semester, was not listening to myself, and realize that the amount of anxiety attacks I had was slowly tearing me down. In the middle of October, it got to the point where I felt like I was floating around outside my body and looking down on this empty body, that used to be me, but she was just there walking around almost as a zombie. That was when I realized something was wrong, and I told my mom that I needed some professional help, because something was not right, and I did not know how to help myself.
And boy, oh boy was I right about something was not right. The night I had opened a bit up to my mom, I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I have ever had. I felt like I was about to die, and every time I could feel my anxiety calming down a bit, a new anxiety attack started. It got to a point where it was a combination of anxiety attacks and panic attacks combined, and that night was the one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I got some help, and I realized that one of the big triggers for me feeling like this, was my studies. At the time there was some things going on with my bachelor thesis, as well as the bachelor group I was in that put a lot of pressure on me, and I constantly had this big knot in my stomach, and I was just feeling bad about everything that was going on. At that point I decided that I was going to put my mental health first and finish the two classes I was taking that semester, and then postpone the bachelor thesis and graduation to 2019.
After making that decision, I was more at ease with everything, and I felt like a burden had lifted of my shoulders, and for the first time in a couple of months I felt like I could breathe. So, I know making that decision, was the right one.
But now that I am sitting here the day before my classmates will be graduating (and I am not), I feel bad, and I feel like I in some weird way let myself down and did not live up to my own expectations. I know I did not let myself down, I did the opposite and put myself first, but that does not change the fact that I still feel bad about it right now. To top everything off, a friend of mine from the class I was in, asked me if I would come to the graduation ceremony tomorrow, and that she is sure that everyone will be happy to see me there. But to be honest, I really don’t want to go, just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I do not really talk to anyone in the class anymore, except for the occasionally “hey, how are you?”, and actually not that close with the girl that asked me to come to the ceremony. A big part of me feels selfish, because I do not want to go because it makes me feel really bad, and I should be able to overlook my own feelings and go congratulate everyone, right? But I do not think I will be able to go, just thinking about going makes my heart race, and my hands shaky. The biggest question in my mind right now is “am I such a terrible person if I do not go?”. I know I should not care what other people think, but to be honest I care, maybe too much about what other people think.
A quote I have had in my mind these last few weeks is;
Every experience no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.
I have been trying to keep this in mind, but the truth is, that it is so fucking difficult to remember in the tough situations. But I try to focus on the positive things that is going on in my life, even though sometimes, they get overshadowed by the more difficult things.
For the last few months I have been “working” in an after-school club for primary school children. It has been so nice working there, and this week was actually really good! The other people working there have been super nice, and I finally feel myself starting to open up to them (which is something that is very difficult to me). And I no longer feel bad before going to work there. Up until last week, I was trying to come up with excuses for me not to go to work there, because I was feeling anxious about going, even though I thought about excuses for me not to go, I have still been going all the days I was supposed to be going. But this week have been different, I have been feeling excited to go, and I have had a great time while being there. A part of me really loves working with kids, and I have had so much fun playing games with them, making creative projects with them and so on. And it has taught me so much, about being more open, and for the I am so grateful! But, am I going to make working in an after-school club my profession? Probably not, it is just a bit to stressful for my liking.
I am trying to focus on all of the good things that is happening in my life, but sometimes it is just so damn difficult.
A friend of mine posted a picture with a quote on Facebook this morning, and I would love to share what the picture said with you, because I have not been able to get it out of my mind since I saw it a few hours ago.
Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in sheer terror and other times, you just have to raise your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.
I do not who said this, but somehow it just feels right. But one thing I keep thinking is, after the scary part of the rollercoaster is over, I always feel happy and proud of myself that I overcame the obstacle and actually survived. One time when I was 11 or 12, my family and I went to Disney world in Orlando, Florida. It was my first time being there, and I was terrified of this one rollercoaster (I do not remember what the name of was), I was so scared that I was actually crying! No joke, I was standing in a long line and crying my ass off! But my dad and my siblings talked me into going with them on the rollercoaster and remember feeling so proud that I did it and I absolutely loved it, and I actually tried it again 2 more times!
So why not keep that in mind when everything is terrifying? And try not close your eyes but somehow try to appreciate the scary times and know that you will feel fucking proud of yourself after? I will be trying to do that from now on, maybe it will be impossible, but maybe it will just be difficult, but I will still be able to do it?
If I can give anyone a piece of advice, it would be to listen to your self and listen to what your mind and heart is trying to tell you, and not just brushing it off. And I know that it can be both terrifying and difficult to remember doing that, but it is just so important to actually do, at least for me I have found out the hard way how important it is. And maybe some people (myself included) needs to learn it the hard way before truly believing it. Truth be told, I already knew how important it is to listen to my mind, heart and body, since this is not the first time I have dealt with depression and anxiety, but back in spring, I chose to ignore it, because I had finally experienced being truly happy, and I was not ready to let that go. But let’s hope that I learned the lesson this time.
Sorry for making this so long, or is it even too long? I don’t even know.